Tom Heffernan - November 29,1951 - September 22, 2010

It is still hard to believe that Tom left us and that he hasn’t been here for a decade.  

Alive he was present when he wasn’t in our physical presence because he gave of himself in very definite and 

deeply personal fashion.  He was perceptive, witty, and could deliver a summation of something without appearing 

to break a sweat.  He was a pleasure to share company with.  He remains deeply missed.

He would have gotten a great big kick enjoying the San Francisco Giants nab 3 World Series.  He would well have

understood Colin Kaepernick taking a knee.  He would have so enjoyed the Golden State Warriors going to five finals 

in row and winning 3 championships.  He was raised an East Bay boy and he loved the Bay Area.  He knew

and loved Sonoma County too. 

Yet, aside from his passionate tennis playing and teaching, we don’t think of him as a ‘jock’.  Those enjoyments

he missed were simply markers of his local-ness.  They would have been finger food conversation before warming up to

the bigger more essential topics close to his heart and keen mind.  The Micro and Meta scale issues that sustained

life and integrity were part of Toms realm.  He made each of his friends and relatives feel comfortable while dissecting 

current issues and developments.  He pondered ideas from books, films and lectures.  He a great conversationalist

adding spark and a polishing tone.  Oh how in his own way he’d relish skewering the erosive political landscape

of the last decade.  He likely would have e-mailed his thoughts with links to cogent articles and then followed them

up during the next chance of shared conversation.  

I looked forward each September to our annual conversation where we sized up how the oaks looked and their 

production of acorns hitting the ground might forecast the strength of the coming winter.  Tom if you can, could 

you please send us some measurable rain sooner than later.

Rereading the eulogy that Tom wrote for himself in 1993 takes my breathe away.  

How keenly he was aware and lived and shared himself with us.  

How fortunate we are to have known him.

Unfortunately it doesn’t appear to me that we can add comments to the lovely website Tom’s family created 10 years ago.  (actually Marty Roberts creaated this blog and can update it)

Also, I don’t have a current e-mail for Karen Green.  If you do, please pass this forward.

Tom Heffernan Tribute Website.  

http://tomheffernan.blogspot.com/

Blessing and wellness to all.

Much Love,

PJ

 

 

 

Tom's eulogy in its entirety. jan

This is what was written in one of his many journals.

Tom’s eulogy that he wrote August 26^th, 1993 at 3:15 p.m.

I would like to acknowledge in Tom a person who showed us all that fundamental character change is possible. From the time 3 or 4 years ago when he started to get a “handle” on the process of self-knowledge, self-acceptance, and self-love until his death a few days ago, he demonstrated remarkable personal growth. He developed from a person who lacked spontaneity, inspiration, compassion, conviction, honesty and joy of life, into a compassionate person of great integrity who lived a principled life full of conviction and decisiveness. He became a person who was always in touch with his own deep, inestimable value, and as such, always acted from a calmness grounded in his deepest, clearest, most authentic self. He became a truly happy person who smiled and laughed easily & often. In his own easy way he lifted our spirits & helped us to feel valuable. He always seemed to assign a higher priority to hearing and understanding others than on being heard & understood himself.

He was far from perfect. He was continuously dealing with his laziness – his tendency towards entropy. He would reach a new plateau of growth and acceptance feeling on top of the world only to slip back to his old ways of not tending to his life, in the moment. But he grew to the point where he did not feel defeated by his lapses – he always knew there was a solid core of integrity within him – so…he would unabashedly recommit himself to his goal of becoming a person of solid, principled character. He did not let his mistakes drag him down, and as time went by he recovered from those hellish times more and more and more quickly and they recurred less and less often – his values & principles were sinking deeper & deeper into his being. It became easier for him to think and act in congruence with them.

Tom learned to face his fears, anger, sadness, & even his joy – going into is feelings fully, accepting them, & taking responsibility for them.

Maybe most importantly, Tom learned of the power and magic of commitment. Energy began to flow through him & from him in ways he had scarcely imagined previously. He became a powerful force for love and positive change within his expanding sphere of influence.

Tom's last journal entry

This is Tom's final journal entry. . .written September 18th, the day he went to the ER. I'm so glad he wrote this. ..to know he was happy at the end of his life.

**************************************************************************

“How the life I’d hoped for. . .it’s huge to finally embrace the life you’d never planned on.” - from the movie “Greenberg”

Yes, a mark of profound maturity, AND, one of the requirements of contentment.
Contentment requires the relinquishment of the youthful urge to do it all. . .or to taste from many different pots. . .or to be a dilletante, etc. and, rather, to look at one’s present life and pour one’s formerly scattered, fantasizing energy into it- optimizing what one has.

So. . .contrary to a lifetime of my journal entries, I look at my life and find the I HAVE the elements of contentment.
 Stable relationship with someone who seems to accept me & who has skills & willingness to deal with the stuff that comes up.
 Nice home
 Habits (presently needing boost) & knowledge of exercise & nutrition
 Knowledge. ..& weak meditation habit (needs boost)
 Knowledge & (weak habit) of benefit of EARLY rising. . .or middle of night

I don’t need to add anything dramatically new & different to my life – I just need to see that everything I need is already there. THAT is the “change” that is needed.

Practically speaking, I simply will benefit from augmenting the good things in my life, while diminishing the harmful things. Simple as that. No new tricks are required.

This is the contentment menu at my café. It’s not a black/white, All/nothing deal. It’s as simple as this: for optimal health & contentment, eat mostly these foods, minimize eating from the discontentment menu.

Good Menu Bad Menu
Early rising Regular late rising
Morning meditation
Morning pages
4x/wk bike
1x/wk weights
stretching
early breakfast
early am brassicas
juicing
curiousity about Elizabeth
tending to Elizabeth
making & keeping E #1

What a wonderful day

Tom was very present at yesterday's gathering.  The love so many people had for him was evident.  I took a lot of pictures.  I know others did too - please share!

Meanwhile, here is a link to all of my pictures on Shutterfly (127) where you can view and also order some if you wish:  Pictures from the day

I will post a few here.  It was also requested yesterday that people post here some of what they said yesterday.  The stories and memories were all so wonderful.   If you are not yet an author (you need to be to post here), send me an email at MartyR@sonic.net and I will make you an author.  Once you receive the email invitation, you will have to reply to get in and post.  Or click on 0 Comments below any post to add a comment.

Paul did a wonderful job shepherding the proceedings

 

Sister Lois reading a very funny email from Tom

Sister Jan

Sister Ruth

Long time friend Yvonne

Long time friend Emma (Maryanna)

I'm an interloper here.  Everyone else in the pic (except Shadow) lived at Bennett Valley.  But I was a close cousin!

One of several altar displays

Tom's family.  Unfortunately sister Jan missed the picture...  : (

Tom's Memorial October 16

The memorial will be Saturday, October 16 at 1:00 at Thomas Creek Ranch outside of Forestville.  It will be a circle of sharing and a potluck of finger food and drink.  Please bring something to share if you can.  If nice weather, we can be outside.  Here is a link to the Pingg Evite:  http://www.pingg.com/fkxjyj5cjfj3zp4tn  Please go there to RSVP.  You can use this link to notify others also.  Please encourage everyone attending to reply at this link.


Please also bring pictures, mementos, anything that makes you think of Tom or that Tom would like for a "day of the dead" altar at the gathering.

To get there, take Pocket Canyon Rd out of Forestville heading west.  When you see the big gravel mine on the right, look to your left for Giovannetti Rd.  Follow that road (about a mile?) and when it makes an extreme bend to the left, go straight in through the gate of Thomas Creek Ranch (I think there is a sign).  I think we will have volunteers and/or signs to direct you from there.  Can you be one of those volunteers?

It would be great to have some committees or point people to be in charge of (or help with) the following things:
Set-up and decorating
Food and drink -planning, setting up etc.
Music, poems, key speakers for the ceremony part
Creating display tables and posters of things Tom loved, did, had, made, etc. - sort of a Day of the Dead altar.
Clean-up crew

PLEASE add comments to this post to offer what you can do.

The flow of the day will be something like this:
1:00 - arrive, schmooze, get settled
1:30 - formal part begins - I think a few key people should be designated to speak and then whoever wants to
2:30 or so - adjourn to potluck food, drink and story-telling
4:30 or 5 - clean up!!

from next door neighbor, David Baker

My wife and I have lived next door to Julie and Tom for three years. I got to know Tom neighborly well --we'd speak for a few minutes when we saw each other outside, and we'd help each other with things on different occasions. Once, when my wife was having a bad reaction after donating blood, he dropped what he was doing and drove me to her. He didn't even look back, he just pulled out his keys and jumped in his car. I'll never forget that, Tom... He was a good man, it was very obvious, and I liked him.
One of the things about him that I remember most vividly is his relationship with Buster, the dog that lived with Julie and him. I hesitate to name Buster as Julie's dog (though technically I suppose he is) because he was so clearly Tom's dog! Many times I have seen Tom helping the dog into his car only to find that he was taking Buster to the park or to the beach or somewhere else. One time I saw him packing a cooler and shopping bags in his back seat. I asked him where he was off to and he said that he and Buster were going on a picnic and would be gone all day. He loved Buster and Buster loved him, which is saying a lot because, well, Buster doesn't love just anybody. Believe me, I know. When Tom moved from Julie's, I helped him load the truck, but I was sorry to see him go. He was easy and pleasant to be around. He was a good man, it was very obvious, and I liked him.

-written by David Baker, posted by Julie Chasen

from a neighbor

this is from our neighbor Robin Macquarrie:

Tom was Julie's roommate for many years and our friendship grew over the course of those years. He was someone I always expected to see again. Frequently, I would run into him at local stores and we'd joke about our clandestine meetings. Tom was someone I didn't think much about. Who knew he had such a grip on my heart? I never hugged Tom or told him that I loved him. So Tom, if in some mysterious way you can read this or feel this or know this...love you I do.