Tom's eulogy in its entirety. jan

This is what was written in one of his many journals.

Tom’s eulogy that he wrote August 26^th, 1993 at 3:15 p.m.

I would like to acknowledge in Tom a person who showed us all that fundamental character change is possible. From the time 3 or 4 years ago when he started to get a “handle” on the process of self-knowledge, self-acceptance, and self-love until his death a few days ago, he demonstrated remarkable personal growth. He developed from a person who lacked spontaneity, inspiration, compassion, conviction, honesty and joy of life, into a compassionate person of great integrity who lived a principled life full of conviction and decisiveness. He became a person who was always in touch with his own deep, inestimable value, and as such, always acted from a calmness grounded in his deepest, clearest, most authentic self. He became a truly happy person who smiled and laughed easily & often. In his own easy way he lifted our spirits & helped us to feel valuable. He always seemed to assign a higher priority to hearing and understanding others than on being heard & understood himself.

He was far from perfect. He was continuously dealing with his laziness – his tendency towards entropy. He would reach a new plateau of growth and acceptance feeling on top of the world only to slip back to his old ways of not tending to his life, in the moment. But he grew to the point where he did not feel defeated by his lapses – he always knew there was a solid core of integrity within him – so…he would unabashedly recommit himself to his goal of becoming a person of solid, principled character. He did not let his mistakes drag him down, and as time went by he recovered from those hellish times more and more and more quickly and they recurred less and less often – his values & principles were sinking deeper & deeper into his being. It became easier for him to think and act in congruence with them.

Tom learned to face his fears, anger, sadness, & even his joy – going into is feelings fully, accepting them, & taking responsibility for them.

Maybe most importantly, Tom learned of the power and magic of commitment. Energy began to flow through him & from him in ways he had scarcely imagined previously. He became a powerful force for love and positive change within his expanding sphere of influence.

Tom's last journal entry

This is Tom's final journal entry. . .written September 18th, the day he went to the ER. I'm so glad he wrote this. ..to know he was happy at the end of his life.

**************************************************************************

“How the life I’d hoped for. . .it’s huge to finally embrace the life you’d never planned on.” - from the movie “Greenberg”

Yes, a mark of profound maturity, AND, one of the requirements of contentment.
Contentment requires the relinquishment of the youthful urge to do it all. . .or to taste from many different pots. . .or to be a dilletante, etc. and, rather, to look at one’s present life and pour one’s formerly scattered, fantasizing energy into it- optimizing what one has.

So. . .contrary to a lifetime of my journal entries, I look at my life and find the I HAVE the elements of contentment.
 Stable relationship with someone who seems to accept me & who has skills & willingness to deal with the stuff that comes up.
 Nice home
 Habits (presently needing boost) & knowledge of exercise & nutrition
 Knowledge. ..& weak meditation habit (needs boost)
 Knowledge & (weak habit) of benefit of EARLY rising. . .or middle of night

I don’t need to add anything dramatically new & different to my life – I just need to see that everything I need is already there. THAT is the “change” that is needed.

Practically speaking, I simply will benefit from augmenting the good things in my life, while diminishing the harmful things. Simple as that. No new tricks are required.

This is the contentment menu at my café. It’s not a black/white, All/nothing deal. It’s as simple as this: for optimal health & contentment, eat mostly these foods, minimize eating from the discontentment menu.

Good Menu Bad Menu
Early rising Regular late rising
Morning meditation
Morning pages
4x/wk bike
1x/wk weights
stretching
early breakfast
early am brassicas
juicing
curiousity about Elizabeth
tending to Elizabeth
making & keeping E #1

What a wonderful day

Tom was very present at yesterday's gathering.  The love so many people had for him was evident.  I took a lot of pictures.  I know others did too - please share!

Meanwhile, here is a link to all of my pictures on Shutterfly (127) where you can view and also order some if you wish:  Pictures from the day

I will post a few here.  It was also requested yesterday that people post here some of what they said yesterday.  The stories and memories were all so wonderful.   If you are not yet an author (you need to be to post here), send me an email at MartyR@sonic.net and I will make you an author.  Once you receive the email invitation, you will have to reply to get in and post.  Or click on 0 Comments below any post to add a comment.

Paul did a wonderful job shepherding the proceedings

 

Sister Lois reading a very funny email from Tom

Sister Jan

Sister Ruth

Long time friend Yvonne

Long time friend Emma (Maryanna)

I'm an interloper here.  Everyone else in the pic (except Shadow) lived at Bennett Valley.  But I was a close cousin!

One of several altar displays

Tom's family.  Unfortunately sister Jan missed the picture...  : (

Tom's Memorial October 16

The memorial will be Saturday, October 16 at 1:00 at Thomas Creek Ranch outside of Forestville.  It will be a circle of sharing and a potluck of finger food and drink.  Please bring something to share if you can.  If nice weather, we can be outside.  Here is a link to the Pingg Evite:  http://www.pingg.com/fkxjyj5cjfj3zp4tn  Please go there to RSVP.  You can use this link to notify others also.  Please encourage everyone attending to reply at this link.


Please also bring pictures, mementos, anything that makes you think of Tom or that Tom would like for a "day of the dead" altar at the gathering.

To get there, take Pocket Canyon Rd out of Forestville heading west.  When you see the big gravel mine on the right, look to your left for Giovannetti Rd.  Follow that road (about a mile?) and when it makes an extreme bend to the left, go straight in through the gate of Thomas Creek Ranch (I think there is a sign).  I think we will have volunteers and/or signs to direct you from there.  Can you be one of those volunteers?

It would be great to have some committees or point people to be in charge of (or help with) the following things:
Set-up and decorating
Food and drink -planning, setting up etc.
Music, poems, key speakers for the ceremony part
Creating display tables and posters of things Tom loved, did, had, made, etc. - sort of a Day of the Dead altar.
Clean-up crew

PLEASE add comments to this post to offer what you can do.

The flow of the day will be something like this:
1:00 - arrive, schmooze, get settled
1:30 - formal part begins - I think a few key people should be designated to speak and then whoever wants to
2:30 or so - adjourn to potluck food, drink and story-telling
4:30 or 5 - clean up!!

from next door neighbor, David Baker

My wife and I have lived next door to Julie and Tom for three years. I got to know Tom neighborly well --we'd speak for a few minutes when we saw each other outside, and we'd help each other with things on different occasions. Once, when my wife was having a bad reaction after donating blood, he dropped what he was doing and drove me to her. He didn't even look back, he just pulled out his keys and jumped in his car. I'll never forget that, Tom... He was a good man, it was very obvious, and I liked him.
One of the things about him that I remember most vividly is his relationship with Buster, the dog that lived with Julie and him. I hesitate to name Buster as Julie's dog (though technically I suppose he is) because he was so clearly Tom's dog! Many times I have seen Tom helping the dog into his car only to find that he was taking Buster to the park or to the beach or somewhere else. One time I saw him packing a cooler and shopping bags in his back seat. I asked him where he was off to and he said that he and Buster were going on a picnic and would be gone all day. He loved Buster and Buster loved him, which is saying a lot because, well, Buster doesn't love just anybody. Believe me, I know. When Tom moved from Julie's, I helped him load the truck, but I was sorry to see him go. He was easy and pleasant to be around. He was a good man, it was very obvious, and I liked him.

-written by David Baker, posted by Julie Chasen

from a neighbor

this is from our neighbor Robin Macquarrie:

Tom was Julie's roommate for many years and our friendship grew over the course of those years. He was someone I always expected to see again. Frequently, I would run into him at local stores and we'd joke about our clandestine meetings. Tom was someone I didn't think much about. Who knew he had such a grip on my heart? I never hugged Tom or told him that I loved him. So Tom, if in some mysterious way you can read this or feel this or know this...love you I do.

"3 paper towels" by Tom Heffernan

In going through old letters, I came across three dipenser-type paper towels, covered in Tom's writing: each with a heavy column in blue ball point pen rich with underlinings, arrows, exclamation marks and heavy strokes. Here with minimal editing (thanks Jeannie) is what he wrote:

3 paper towels

by Tom Heffernan

I

Stunted attention,

Poorly developed senses of perception,

Inability to navigate through Earth life

Without technical aids

Equal distancing.

We don’t develop love.

Don’t NEED to pay attention.

Don’t pay attention to our animal selves.

So, we don’t have a REAL SENSE

Of self identity,

And we SHIFT TO INTELLECT

Too young, too exclusively.

II

FIRST Concept: I AM FREE!

(Corresponding thought:

The world is HUGE and ALIEN,

And I am small).

Insignificance, Powerlessness.

We build a faulty

Structure of Thought

On the faulty Foundation.

Further trouble:

Our inability to pay attention

To thinking,

Our lack of proprioception

Lead to a confusion.

Dangerous confusion

Of mixed up thoughts and feelings.

III

Busy, thinking mind

Rarely is turned off

(Normal situation).

It is sunk into

Our diffuse awareness.

Our sense of attention called up

Only when needed.

Busy mind needs

Constant stimulation, change.

without ATTENTION and LOVE,

HAVOC.

IV

Uncaring, unaware

Destruction of life.

Without ATTENTION

And LOVE, we become

Exceedingly self-centered.

Instead of a healthy attitude

Of self in the middle of life

(in the thick of it),

Self becomes the center of life

Or outside of life.

Extensions out from the center become

pathological:

Exploitive entertainment (recreation),

Charitable sacrifice,

Noblesse oblige,

Fixing what’s wrong out there.

NOT RELATIONAL

From Tom's nephew

Uncle Tom

Hey, I'm Kevin, Tom's nephew. It's hard for me to describe just how much I'm going to miss him, and therefore, I'm not quite sure where to start...........probably the best memories that I have of my uncle are when my Grandma was still alive, and the Christmases that we'd all be together, crammed in my Grandma's house. On either Christmas Eve, or Christmas Day we'd pack a huge picnic and go to the beach, where we'd spend the majority of the day, exploring tidepools, talking, laughing, sharing stories, and ofcourse eating. Tom was one of those people that you were always wishing you could have spent more time with, but it also made me cherish the times we were together, so much more!
I'll never forget back in 2005, I was going through a rough patch, and Tom called me to tell me how much he loved me, how proud of me he was, and how happy he was for me. Talking with him that night, was pretty awesome, and it made me feel really good!
The last family trip that we all went on, was the last time that we were all together at the same time, we went camping up at Patrick's Point for a week. It's incredible up there, and it reminded me alot of those Christmases when Grandma was alive, and those trips to the beach we took. I remember that week of camping just the mindless chatter, the laughs, the stories, and the closeness that I'm pretty sure we all felt! Tom was an amazing, sweet, honest, blunt, smart, and all around just a great guy that I'm so happy that I was able to have in my life! I'll always love and miss him! 

Tom the dancer - from Marilyn Smith

Tom's Folk Dance Days:

In the early 1980's Tom not only danced in my folk dance classes at SRJC, but also performed in my folk dance performing group Dunav.  Our group performed at fairs, festivals and special concerts throughout Sonoma County.  Tom danced in every suite:  French, Hungarian, Romanian and Bulgarian.  Tom was quiet and  thoughtful, but danced with a focused intensity.  My special connection to him was in the Hungarian suite where he was my partner.  It was as if time stood still when we danced, lost in the music and movements of the Hungarian dances.  You can see the joy his dancing brought to me in the photo of us together. 

A life too short, but lived with joy, intensity and love.

Marilyn Smith

-My Uncle Tom-

My Uncle Tom was a funny man. He was quirky, fun loving, and could always make me laugh. I have many fond memories, but one in particular stands out. One Christmas when I was probably 10 years old, very gullible, Tom arrives and comes up to my parent’s house carrying his shoebox and a small white jewelry box. (The shoebox was what he had packed for the long weekend – talk about a low maintainence/no fuss type of guy!) He comes in the house and has a very serious look on his face. I greet him and he lets me know that on his drive up he saw a really bad accident. He proceeds to tell me this story about the accident and how at the accident scene he found something. He holds out the white jewelry box and lifts the lid to show me a finger lying on the fluffy white cotton with blood around the base of the finger. I was shocked needless to say and for the entire day believed my uncle was walking around with a stranger’s finger in a box! Come to find out that Uncle Tom had cut a hole in the bottom of the box which allowed him to slide his finger in the box and all the gruesome blood I thought I was looking at was really Tabasco sauce! This is just one memory I have of my uncle. Another was him teaching me how to crack my nose. . .a lovely trick! I miss you Tom and can’t imagine/don’t want to imagine life without you, you are our family jokester and fun loving uncle. Who is going to be my sous chef at the holidays?! Believe me I am aware that my lemon meringue pies will not be as high of caliber without your amazing whisking skills that keep the eggs from scambling! I love you so much and miss you. xo --your niece Kaely

p.s. my all time favorite photo of Tom is the one where he is dancing @ my wedding! Someone posted it early on in the blog :)

Tom pics - including the classic tennis shot.

With beloved Rowboat

Tom's obituary (sure feels strange to type those words....)

Tom Heffernan died September 22, 2010 after experiencing severe chest pains.  He was fifty-eight years old.

Tom, a long time resident of Santa Rosa, went to Assumption Elementary School in San Leandro, St. Joseph's High in Alameda, Chabot College and Sonoma State University.  He was a brilliant scholar of the earth and her myriad inhabitants.  Tom was awed by the vastness of the land, the oceans, and the universe.  He cared intimately about the smallest plants, animals and insects. Tom was an avid biker, he read volumes, and loved passionate discussions into the wee hours of the morning.  He loved his friends, family and dogs.  Not necessarily in that order.  Tom was witty.  He was ridiculously funny.  Tom was intense and deep.  He could take a simple, inane task like organizing a monthly phone call system among his siblings and turn it into an insane marathon of hilarious emails that caught us up and had us waiting daily for each new message.

Tom often saw darkness in the future, but gave us hope.  We always wanted more of him.

Tom is survived by his three sisters and their families:  Lois Heffernan and David Bagnard, Garden Valley, Idaho; Jan and Mike Mannion of Camino, California, their son Kevin, their daughter Kaely, her husband Daniel and their son Finley; Ruth and Bert Pierroz of Sacramento and their sons Blair and Grady.  Survived also by Elizabeth Wilson, his partner.

For information regarding the Memorial Service on October 16th go to: tomheffernan.blogspot.com/ (which is here)  To RSVP for the memorial, please go here:  http://www.pingg.com/rsvp/fkxjyj5cjfj3zp4tn  

Donations in Tom's name can be made to:

Landpaths

618 4th Street (#217)

Santa Rosa, California

95404

Or..

The Milo Foundation - Animal Rescue

Here is the link to the Obit in the Press Democrat.

Zion pictures from Sandy Lemole

Sandy sent these pictures of her and Tom visiting Zion in 2007 and 2008.
So nice to see the beautiful places he got to go.

Early Tom

My name is Mark Sandeen...
I am Tom's second cousin, Tom was only five years older...with Lois, Jannie, Tom & Ruthie, Tom's sister's, we all grew up together...They lived in San Leandro, we in San Lorenzo.

I think to give some retrospective of the adult Tom, some people might find it interesting to know the young Tom...

My mom, let us know Tom should not be running around to much...Tom I think had asthma and used an inhaler...We only lived ten miles or so from the Heffernans, and we would get together for trips to the beach, Yosemite, camping in Oregon, and their cabin in Arnold. They were always great fun...

Anyway, I was 6 and Tom was 11...Aunt Mary, Tom and Ruthie were over our house, and all the kids were out playing baseball in the court. There was this kid Peter Anderson, about Toms age...Mom said Peter always had a chip on his shoulder, and this day Peter had it out for me.....I was on the other team, and he struck out, I said something I probably shouldn't have said... so, Peter started to beat me up....

Well....Tom, my BIG cousin immediately came to my rescue and without any hesitations...He grabs Peter, threw him off me and started pushing him away.
Tom the STUD, .. I think I was more surprised than Peter...Peter would not fight Tom, and I guess it was because no one ever stood up to him before. But that day , Tom, my Cousin, became my hero.

Tom stayed one of my hero's in life as we grew older, but it was for his other attributes...He loved his family, and his family loved him. Tom was really special to us, and I wish I could have saved him like he saved me...I will never forget you Tom. Love Mark

Tom and his sisters

Tom, Lois, Ruth, Jan

and Durry

The husbands:

Dave, Lois's husband,   Burt, Ruth's husband,   Mike, Jan's husband

   

  

From Tom's teacher at SSU - Steve Norwick

I was very saddened to hear of Tom’s death. Like so many people, I had not
seen him in a long time. I had just asked Marty Roberts for Tom’s phone
number about 3 weeks ago, and I was going to call him, of course, but I
had not for all those reasons. I do not know how many of his teachers
remember him. He was not very talkative in the classroom or on a field
trip. Even at a party, he did not open up much to the faculty members. And
you must remember that in the days of the CORE, with the exception of Ken
Stocking, the faculty were only a few years older than the students. It
was only years later, at parties and chance meetings, that I got to know
Tom at all. I discovered he was a searcher, something that I admire
although I am not one, or so I claim. He read widely and somewhat
indiscriminately, or so it seemed to me. I also read widely, though I
always pretend there is method in my breadth of interests. We always had
something interesting to talk about. I remember how I tried to explain how
the CORE’s interest in complex feedback systems had caused me to change
from being a stochastic computer modeler to a deterministic computer
modeler, and I now teach a course and have written a textbook on the
subject. Though it sounds strange to say it, Tom was quite funny about
this somehow, the only time I can say we joked around.

I have learned a lot of things I did not know about Tom reading your
comments here. I am happy to hear about his sense of humor and his
animated side. He was almost always very reserved with me, and I always
sensed (it seems incorrectly) a great sadness in him, which I interpreted
as his fear for nature in this world that is exploding in so many
directions and so many ways. I am coming to think that I was wrong about
his mood. Certainly I was wrong about his mood around other people.

I had asked Marty R. for Tom’s contact information because I was thinking
about so many environmental things at once, I wanted to see how he would
have balanced all those things for himself. I am not sure just why of all
the students I have taught since 1965, I wanted to talk to Tom, but I did.
Perhaps, it was because he seemed to be looking for environmental truths
in such a different way from me. I am not sure, and now I will never know.
But I missed seeing him one last time, and I will miss him as long as I
can in this world.

Steve Norwick